I remember a conver
sation I had with a colleague of mine several years ago. I told him that I was frustrated because I knew that I could help several of the people I had recently spoken to, but none of them decided to work with me.
We talked about handling objections in a sales conversation. One of the things he shared with me was that I needed to tell the truth, to call people out if necessary and not hide behind being nice.
It was really good advice and it made a dramatic shift in the effectiveness of my sales conversations.
Shortly after speaking with my colleague I got an email from someone who had decided not to work with me. The reason she gave me was money. With my new tool of complete honesty, I responded back.
I don’t remember exactly what I said, but my response was based on the conversation we had. It was what I truly believed was going on. I wrote something along the lines of “I believe the reason you are saying no has nothing to do with the money but rather because you are afraid.”
What I do remember is how quickly she responded to that email. Within minutes I knew exactly how she felt about my response. She told me that I was right. Her decision had nothing to do with money, but she wasn’t afraid. It was none of my business why she was saying no but using money as an excuse, was easier than going into it. She told me I had no right to judge her and to immediately remove her name from any future communications. She never wanted to hear from me again.
Ouch.
I was confused because I knew what I had said was true and really, I had just meant to reengage her in a conversation.
It’s been a while since I thought about this story, but I was reminded of it recently when someone in a group I coach shared what happened to her. She left a voicemail for someone she had been trying to get in touch with. In the voicemail she called him out and told him the truth she saw. That got his attention. She got a message back telling her that he didn’t appreciate the feedback and that her message completely shifted the impression he had of her… and not for the better.
In my role as a coach I’m supposed to share what I see. It’s my job to be honest. It’s why people hire me. I help them get past their own obstacles. I help them to see the things they miss. Things they can’t see because they are too close. Sometimes what they are missing is simple information, but more often what they are missing is inside of them.
When my clients hire me they expect me to be completely honest, that’s not to say that I can be mean. I share truths that benefit my clients in a way that supports them and helps them grow.
If this is true, and I know it is, what did I do wrong in the email I sent? Why had it elicited so a vicious response?
I made two big mistakes.
- I did not ask permission to share my truth. This woman was not my client. Whether what I said was correct, or not, I had no right to say it, it was not my place. And, while it was not my intention, in effect, I was bullying her. Of course she defended herself in her response to me. I gave her no other choice. She had to prove me wrong. It was her right to decide whether or not she wanted to hear it before I shared it.
- I communicated by email. I was responding to her email. I wanted to reengage her in a conversation. An email is not a conversation. An email is a one-way exchange. A voicemail message is a one-way exchange, too. No matter how carefully I selected my words, there is no way she could have understood what I really meant. No wonder she got angry with me.
Here is my suggestion to you.
First, share your truth only when you have permission. I am not giving you permission to be mean or let loose on someone or tell him or her about every fault you see. When the time is right and you share, do it constructively and with compassion. Share information with the intention to help someone grow or learn and do so only when they are open to hearing it.
Second, never share this type of information in a vacuum like in an email, voicemail or text message. Share when you are speaking with someone. Share when it’s just the two of you when nobody else can hear the exchange. When they can listen and respond to you and you can listen to them and respond to them.
The good news is that this is the type of mistake you only make once. Hopefully you’ll learn it from me and won’t have to experience it yourself to learn it.
Have you ever stepped over the line? What happened? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.
Hi Carrie. What a great article! I really like your two rules for telling the truth as you see it. I would add a third rule. It’s okay to tell the truth as you see it – about yourself! However, telling the truth as you see it about other people is only okay within the context of unique relationships in which you have permission to do so (for example, a coaching relationship, some of your personal relationships and some of your work relationships), and within guidelines that you mutually agree (like being courteous and respectful in how you say things). Thanks for another thought-provoking and valuable article.
And as always you are so smart. I love what you added to it!
Thank you Bonnie.
Thanks for sharing. This is interesting, however, I find too many people are oh so sensitive when it comes to telling them the truth, but boy can they dish it when no one asks them. I think you ignited something of truth within her of which she could not handle and that is by no way your problem. Sounds like she is an emotional case and on top of that she uses money, instead of honesty to tell you the truth why she won’t be doing business with you. Then she asks to be removed as if she is a pouty child (who does not want to be your friend no more) It is no wonder kid of today don’t seem to want to grow up. They are being raised by parents who baby them through life. When does this cycle end?
My personality is one of authority and I love how when I am doing an event people seek me out or call me because they want more. More of what I sell or what I have to say or how I can help them with a solution. We women need not apologize for those who are not worthy of being in our presence (virtual or near). There is a big world out there, let’s find someone else who will be receptive and open to the truth; theirs and ours. It makes the world more real when everyone is honest and tell the truth. I am no way saying to be rude, I am speaking of being honest in your manner.
K
Honesty. Sharing your truth. It’s vital and you are so right… people are very sensitive to hearing it and yes they can dish it out when nobody asks them to.
There is no doubt that I hit a nerve with the woman I emailed and she lashed out at me in response.
People do crave hearing the truth, when it is asked for and given with respect. I imagine that is exactly what you provide when you do events. Honesty in your manner… not rudeness.
Carrie
I have long found most /many communications are done one-way, and all those formats you listed are in that category, without usually people realizing it or stopping to consider it at all. To me it doesn’t seem real communication.
It’s so hard to tell “truth-telling” especially about others, from projections. Then again sometimes it’s easier to see others than ourselves. Intention I agree is the most central factor, along with agreement and permission. When do you find anyone who even has a concept of this ?
I’ve also long held the same value of others seeing for/with us what we can’t by ourselves, akin to holding a space for us that we can’t momentarily ourselves, and the “negative” being often even more valuable than positive, at least sometimes. And I soooo like what you said about timing and format, etc.
It seems to me these forms of support were long provided by friends, for free. I still have something about the whole coaching thing, selling that same true communication, which seems sacred & kind worth having. Never was very good at nor inclined to surface or casual relations. Yet I’m learning….
Really mutually contributing AND listening, then allowing that to CREATE something beyond what either (or any in a group) brought, that is beneficial to all involved. I have not often experienced it even in fairly advanced or “spiritual” learning groups (now), or those who think of/see themselves that way.
Thank you for sharing your experience. And what tact I see in your response to post above mine ! <3